The host will hate your guts and never invite you to his party again, but that schmuck never made an action-comedy movie with kindergartner’s. Nothing kills the potential of a party like classical music or the Carpenters, so you may want to bring your iPod with some German Hause Music or Morrissey or Little Wayne. – Bring Your iPod – There is no guaranteeing that the music at the party with be the kind of music that represents your sexual, successful lifestyle, so you may want to have a back-up just in case the mood calls for it. At which point you will have to settle for your spouse. If she’s up for it in the first place, she will agree. Then start to implant the idea of a sexual romp in the coat room. Pretend like you are listening to her for anywhere between 10 to 15 minutes. Instead, pick out a girl you are really, really attracted to and talk to her. It’s a given, the girls–if there are any at the party–will be looking good and you do not want to make the mistake of groping them in public. – Arrange A Rendevouz – If the party is at a person’s house who you do not know well or care for much, you may want to arrange a sexual rendevouz in the coat room. You may well be the boss, but keep it yourself. Irregardless of whether or not you really are the boss, and tower over the people at the party in both sex appeal, raw strength, and monetary success–like me–do not rub your achievements in their face. If you have already done this or were planning on it, stop it now. – You Are Not The Boss – The right way to go about making an ass of yourself at any party is to go around to each person in the party and insist, absolutely insist, that you are the boss. If I wasn’t married (or whatever your relationship status may be) I would totally be in love with you.’ You are really an intelligent, funny person. While that’s happening, nod your head as if you are saying to the person, ‘I am eating chips so I cannot say ‘yes, right, of course,’ but I agree with everything you say. So, while this person is going on, eat the loud, crunchy chips with adandon, and the sound of your crunching will drown out that person. People will think you are a considerate guest, but really you will want them when you are talking to someone boring, which will happen within 15 minutes of arriving. – Bring Refreshments – Like crunchy chips. People will know its you and god will punish you for having to poop at a party by making it a long, drawn-out, never-stop-wiping affair. No one wants to be in a party pooper situation. – Don’t Be A Party Pooper – Seriously, take your poops before you leave your house. Or whatever would make people want to come to your party, because it surely isn’t you. If you are a complete and total loser and do not get invited to parties, here is my tip: throw a party. Not because Kindergarten Cop 2 is finally ready for release, but because I have assembled a list of several tips and ideas that can help you make the most out of the parties you will go to in the future. Are you planning on going to a party tonight, or some time before you die? If so, you might need a few tips to ensure that you make a successful party guest.
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